Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Farewell to Facebook (Again)

Maybe the third time is the charm. I know what you’re thinking. Here’s another rant from someone burned by Facebook. Here’s another effort to demonize something that is good for a lot of people. Well, no, that’s not what this is. This is a note to self. This will serve as a reminder to me as to why I have deactivated my Facebook account for the third time. This is an effort to make it stick.

There is plenty to like about Facebook. I think some are able to harness the good and avoid the bad. I, however, am not one of those people. Why? Well, for starters, because I can only read so much garbage without commenting. Oh, I may make it through the feed nine out of ten times, but that tenth time is the one that gets me.

I think maybe I'm just too logical. And reason can only go so far in online discussions. It can only go as far as both sides are reasonable. That means for some people, reason doesn’t even enter the equation. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but if it's one pen against another, now what?

One of the problems with Facebook and other similar forums is that we don’t all play by the same set of rules. On Facebook, nice guys finish last. Either that or they succumb to not being nice. Those are often the only two options. So, I lose. I lose over and over again. I lose by being nice even though someone has been rude to me. I lose by letting an argument go that I could have won (as if anyone cared). I lose by keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes I even lose by apologizing when I have nothing to apologize for. I’m tired of losing.

Oh, I know nobody really wins an argument anyway. My point is in how this all makes me feel. And I know losing can be good for me. I know this is part of life. I know taking the high road pays off in the end. But it sure isn’t fun. And being on the losing side of conflict sure isn’t something I want to choose to experience as much as I possibly can.

Can one be on Facebook and avoid conflict? Well, maybe one can, but apparently I am not him. And it isn't from lack of effort. I almost never post anything controversial, but oh my goodness gracious, look out if I ever do. I have strong opinions, but I almost never post them on Facebook. Why? Because I don’t enjoy pain. And yet, try as I may, I can't seem to avoid conflict on Facebook. If nothing else, I read the conflict of others and I want to take a side. Whether or not I actually say anything, I feel the conflict. I read posts I strongly disagree with... some are even factually inaccurate and most of the time I say nothing, but I still feel the conflict inside. When I do feel I must say something, I try so hard to be understanding and polite, yet responses are seldom in kind. The next thing you know I’m just trying to get out of a mess, but some people won’t even let that happen without getting as many shots in as possible, because I had the nerve to invade their Facebook kingdom, however diplomatically.

What about when friends or even family members are treated badly on Facebook by someone else? How hard is it not to enter the fray? Recently I felt my mother was treated quite rudely and disrespectfully in a comment string. I desperately wanted to fight back with words that could have made the other individual look bad. Instead, in an attempt to diffuse an ugly situation, I tried to say something conciliatory and understanding. I even found common ground and reminded the individual that we all love each other as family. The response was no less a hurtful attack on my character. Resigned to staying a nice guy, and left to nurse my wounds, I did not respond. A week later, it still hurts.

I don’t want to be a person who never risks sharing an opinion or who never risks a reasonable disagreement. However, neither do I want to invite every person I know into my house for a 24/7 opinion fest. Isn’t that pretty much what Facebook is becoming? Add to that scene the inherent problems with written communication and it seems to me like Facebook offers mostly an extra helping of conflict to my life.

Yeah, I know some people are able to use Facebook in a different way. More power to them. But for me (and maybe for more of you than want to admit it) a farewell to Facebook leaves me with three things: 1) a lot more time, 2) fewer stomach knots, and 3) a great big sigh of relief.

Farewell forever, Facebook. You just weren’t right for me. And now I think I’ll just see if that old cell phone still works. I wonder what my friends will do if I call and say, “Hey, just wanted to catch up. How are you?” They’ll probably text their response to my voice message.